Produced by Steven Hansen, Executive Produced by whoever got a second season for The Big O
I’m sure you’ve heard the bizarre news. Netflix is working on a live-actionThe Legend of Zeldaseries that is described as, “Game of Thronesfor a family audience,” which is kind of like ifBreaking Badwas aboutPeanutscharacters in a lemonade stand competition.
I think Netflix is missing a huge opportunity to take J. K. Rowlings’Game of Thronesstyle–nudity and blood and tits–and present an aging Nintendo fanbase with a gritty re-imagining of the universe, but I’ll respect Netflix’s direction and cast aLegend of Zeldaseries where throne ascendancy disputes get solved like the time onFresh Princewhere it turns out Uncle Phil is really good at billiards.
Not everything on television can be mature content for grown ups about dragons and skeletons, after all.
Kristen Stewart as Zelda
I’m leading with a bit of a dark horse here, but I think Kristen Stewart would be great as the series’ titular lead, Zelda. With the show being more narrative-based than the games, acting chops outweigh nailing a look. Stewart has evinced the former postTwilight(and, really, beforeTwilighttoo) despite her internet meme status as stone-faced. Seriously, check out theClouds of Sils Mariatrailer. As an added bonus, if Stewart does carry residual clout with teens because ofTwilight, that could help sell this show to the zeitgeisty audience Netflix is obviously going after with irresponsibleGame of Thronescomparisons.
Runner-up:
Carey Mulligan. TheDriveactor is a safer, more conventional choice for Zelda with her blonde pixie cut and soft features.
Charlize Theron as The Princess
Assuming the show goes tried-and-true with the “Zelda has to save the princess” narrative because TV is rarely challenging, I at least want the actor that plays the Princess to be more than just a pretty face to save. I know Theron doesn’t do a lot of television, but, hey, this is a dream cast, right? She has a fire in her eyes capable of elevating her above a boring damsel in distress, even if the script is bunk and tries to write her as thus. Oh, and can we give her a name, please?
Liv Tyler. Remember her inLords of the Rings? There you go.
Danny DeVito as Tingle
DeVito’s made a career out of being a small, impish weirdo (also a good producer and a pretty good director), so, yes, it’s low-hanging fruit, but I’ll take a bite. Plus, DeVito’s been deep into the television game sinceAlways Sunny. At least I didn’t go for the dwarf fromGame of Thrones. That would have been too easy. I did just spoil my runner up, though, so now I need a new one.
Mickey Rooney. Yes, he just died. Dream cast! Or, slightly more realistically, Capcom’sYoshinori Ono.
Oscar Isaac as Ganondorf
It was tempting to go Tim Conway for aDorf on the Diamondjoke, but I want to be serious about this cast list so if I nail it I can sue Netflix for royalties. Watch the trailer forA Most Violent Yearand tell me you don’t get chills. Isaac is finally getting his due as a hot as fuck, but also extremely talented actor (Inside Llewyn Davis,Drive) with appearances in the upcomingStar WarsandX-Menfranchises, so I almost want him to cool off with the “young adult fantasy” roles, but no doubt that strong chin slathered in face paint could make for an intense Ganondorf.
Idris Elba. Uhm. Speaking of the literally hottest fucking person on the planet.The Wire‘s Stringer Bell has gotten a bit more big budget American play with supporting roles inThor,Pacific Rim, andPrometheus, but god dang does he need some starring roles. Even him as a villain isn’t enough. He better be the next James Bond.
They both get pictures because I made the Isaac one first but need an excuse to stare at Idris Elba pictures for a half hour.
Rinko Kikuchi as Tetra
Now’s the time when I remember we have little idea what characters, if any, fromZeldalore will be making an appearance in this possible new TV show that probably won’t happen. Now is also the time my dream cast casts its line seaward and I double down on the idea it be aWind Wakershow, becauseWind Wakeris the bestLegend of Zelda.
Roberto Benigni as Linebeck
Yes, it’s aWind Wakershow, but a show is a show, and a show needs a few more defined supporting characters. Linebeck fits into the nautical journey. And, really, this is some acecasting. I’ve kind of impressed myself with it. Watch him as a taxi driver inNight on Earthand tell me that isn’t a good choice.
Kang-ho Song as Happy Mask Salesman
The actor who sold me on Korean cinema a seeming lifetime ago (The Host;The Good, The Bad and The Weird; Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance) while I shuffled my feet and worked my way up toOld Boy, Kang-ho Song recently showed up inSnowpierceras an oddball. I think he has Happy Mask range.
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Who do you want to see in the show?
